CRIPPLED FILM REVIEWS

I’ve broken my ankle, so I’m gonna dedicate the next seven days to watching random films on Netflix. As I have the worst memory for films - and to keep my mind active through a haze of Tramadol - I’m gonna review each one.

1. AFTERNOON DELIGHT

This was ‘recommended’ to me as I watched Magic Mike. Afternoon Delight also has strippers in, although it’s just one stripper, and it’s a woman.

That’s where the comparisons end.

I wasn’t too sure why the couple in it didn’t have sex, but they didn’t seem too bothered by it until he found out that she had invited the stripper in to the house to be their nanny.

The film just made me more certain than ever that I never want to have kids. In the last scene, the 5-year-old is having a hissy-fit in the back of the car as his parents are having a row in the street.

So. Fucking. Stressful.

2. DREAMGIRLS

I’d never had any urge to see this film until today as I fancied something with singing in, and I knew any movie starring Beyonce wouldn’t be too heavy, intellectually.

It turned out I knew some of the songs from last year’s X Factor, but seeing Eddie Murphy singing and acting reminded me of Party All The Time and my dead hero Rick James.

3. YOUTH IN REVOLT

I always forget how much Michael Cera grates on me until I watch a film starring him. I don’t know if it’s his too-open eyes, lack of facial hair, weak jaw line or sing-songy-womeny-voice, but films starring him just go on and on and on and on….

In this film, he plays an awkward virgin (typecast?). The film promised to be quirkier than it is. I’d give it 6/10. It’s the sort of film some PZ would proudly declare was ‘arthouse cinema’.

The film hasn’t even ended as I’m typing this and I’m hoping he dies a virgin.

4. ICEBERG SLIM: PORTRAIT OF A PIMP 

When my friend Hayley came over, it was inevitable we would stumble over something that tapped in to our obsession with 1970s wrong-uns. 

Iceberg Slim was a reformed pimp turned paperback author, but we doubted that any man that hated women as deeply as ol’ Robert Beck could ever really give up the pimp game. And according his daughters - albeit the one who had a rock thrown at her by some racists when she was a kid - he never really did…

Best quote: “I wanted to become a pimp when I saw the ones in jail. They had an infestation of dia-mends on their hands.”

5. SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED 

Cynical journalist who hates living in the modern world tracks down a man who says he has a time machine. Is this about my life? 

END OF FILM UPDATE: I’m more like the cynical 38-year-old magazine journalist whose materialism stops them from forming any meaningful, long lasting bonds. 

Works for me. 

6. LOVELACE

My love of 70s wrong-uns was really put to the test watching this film. It depressed me on a really deep level - everyone has had - or sadly still has - a Chuck Traynor in their life. 

Seeing Linda’s parents’ reaction to her making Deep Throat is so harrowing, and has made me 100% change my mind about ever trying to make a quick buck as a web cam girl (hey! perverts pay big bucks to see a girl in a leg cast web cast). 

Things I loved about this film: 

Amanda Seyfried - she is so beautiful and a great actress. 

The styling - SO. MANY. PATTERNS. AND AVIATORS. AND AMAZING CLOTHES!!! 

SHARON STONE - LOOKING HER AGE! This NEVER happens. It’s like she sent her portrait of Dorian Grey to set instead of her.

image

7. I DON’T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT

Today, for the first time since breaking my ankle last Thursday I actually felt utterly depressed. My leg is killing me, I can’t move around, the painkillers don’t seem as potent (HELLO DEPENDENCY) and I had an argument with a Lebanese restaurant I ordered from using Hungry House (long story but it involved me shaking a crutch angrily out of the front door).

So I decided that the perfect tonic to my state of mind was to watch a Sarah Jessica Parker film.

"We didn’t know what tofu was, it was a simpler time" - some 50 year old bitch just said that.

So SJP is so bad in this bad film she was nominated for a Razzie - but she was pipped to the post by Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill. I’ve seen that. It’s the worst thing EVER. I can’t even say that in a ‘I liked it way’ as I didn’t. It scarred me and ruined Boxing Day.

In this film, SJP is a working mum with nits and zero backbone… but a cracking wardrobe. 

SRSLY how much longer can she flog the ghost of Carrie Bradshaw for? IT’S GETTIN OLD.

8. GREEN STREET 

I don’t know where to begin with this - it’s really fucking awful from start to end. 

Elijah Wood is an American tourist who ends up running with a West Ham firm. Yes, the hobbit gets involved in street brawls and kicks the crap out of people with shaved heads who just love to fight.

Biggest query: Why does Charlie Hunnam - who is ENGLISH - struggle to put on an English accent? 

Oh SHIT - according to YouTube, there are TWO SEQUELS to this trash!

9. YOUNG ADULT 

I found this so uneasy to watch. A writer, with a failed marriage behind her and a soon-to-end teen novel franchise hanging over her head, revisits her hometown to see her now-married ex-boyfriend and meet his baby. 

She is repulsed by the baby, wants to get loaded on scotch every night, lives like a slob and is deluded and living in the past. 

SOUNDS TOO FAMILIAR FOR MY LIKING.

This is one of THE most awkward things I have ever watched in my life.

10. UGLY PRETTY PEOPLE

I turned this off after 10 minutes. The only film that starts with an animation worth watching is Grease. I will add this to my ‘list of films starring Melissa McCarthy that I couldn’t bring myself to watch as I have too much self respect’.